In 2014, I struggled. I struggled with comparison. Day after day. Hour upon hour. It left me defeated, feeling useless, purposeless and incredibly insecure. I would override in my head what God called me to-I would make up excuses. “She … Continue reading
I have a secret. Its a secret I am ashamed to admit, scared to tell, and embarrassed for others to know about. Its a secret that has hurt me, ran my life into the ground, and has caused shame on top of shame.
I held onto this secret like someone forcing sand to stay in their hand. The more I forced, the more sand leaked out and I lost my ability to control it. Then I broke. The sand poured out and the secret began wreaking havoc on my life in more ways than one.
Then I decided to share.
I decided I didn’t have anything left to loose and it wouldn’t hurt to share. When I decided to share, to let others into the story, that is when I started to feel freedom. That is when I started to heal.
The more and more people I let into the story, to walk out the process of healing, the more freedom and healing I have experienced. I want to encourage you to share your story. Let people into the journey. Satan wants us to believe we are alone and to isolate us. Christ is victorious and always wins. Open up. Share. Let someone in. It’s worth it.
When I was in 8th grade, I wore black high top converse sneakers, black dickies, and a zip up hoodie. I had braces and long straight hair. I listened to Amy Lee, Evanescence, and Linkin Park. They were dark years. I loved to wear studded belts and bracelets. I remember applying to different high schools and being so concerned which one I would end up at.
The high school application process was intense. Nearly as intense as college applications. There were essays, interviews, and days where you would shadow at the school to get the “real experience” of being a student there. I got accepted into every private high school I applied to. I ended up going to a college preparatory school named The King’s Academy. The school I went to was not only rigorous academically, it was also a private Christian school. This environment set me up to succeed.
When I graduated high school, I wore skinny jeans and cardigans. I listened to the top 40 hits and had a short bob style haircut. I had my first job at Claire’s and I spent a majority of my time in the dance studio, church, or work. I remember applying to different colleges and feeling the pressure of this place being my new home. I HAD to to make a decision that would affect at least the next 4 years of my life.
I remember going to the christian college fair at my high school. I knew what I wanted in a college: Christian environment, small class sizes, non-required chapel, the ability to study Psychology, and somewhere far away from home. I walked up to the booth of the college I ended up attending: Corban College. Located in Salem, OR. “Oregon?,” I thought. “That’s not close to San Jose, CA…this would be a fresh start. I signed up for information, applied, and set up my visit to the school.
I got really sick the weekend I was planning to visit and was unable to make my visit 600 miles away to my future school. I got in at a few other schools, mostly in Southern California, which is where I wanted to go. That was where I always saw myself.
God had other plans.
In August 2008, I packed up 6 boxes with all my belongings and drove north to Salem, Oregon. As soon as I saw the first sign I was flooded with anxiety. “Who goes to a school they never visited!?” “What was I thinking?” I told my mom to turn the car around and go home. She kept driving. My mom pulled into the parking lot of my new dorm building and we walked inside to be greeted by my new Resident Assistant. I walked the long hallway to my new room. I walked in the room and it looked like a prison. I hated it. I knew instantly I had made a mistake.
As time went on and I settled in, I really began to feel at home. Going to Oregon was always the right choice for me. After a few years at Corban, I knew I wasn’t meant to be there anymore. In the middle of October 2010, I began to pack up my belongings and I boarded a flight back to San Jose, CA.
I wrestled with my choices. “What would this mean for me academically?” “Will I ever graduate college?” “I moved away so I wouldn’t have to come back here, and now here I am” “Did God not really lead me there?” “What does God have next for me?”
In a few short months, he would begin to show me.
I applied to Oregon State University and was accepted in December 2010. I packed up my car and drove north again to start school again. As I have been at Oregon State almost 4 years, I am always amazed at how God led me here. I would NEVER have picked this place for myself, but as I let him lead me and my life, things made more sense. It wasn’t always easy, but he was there and he was faithful and HE NEVER LEFT ME ALONE.
As you look back on your life, all the things that have happened to you. All the things you have gone through. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy and the beautiful…it all has a purpose. A purpose bigger than we can see or we can imagine. God’s plans for us are always bigger than we can ask or imagine.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
We may not always understand, but if we trust who God is, His character and love for us, we can always step out in obedience and trust that he loves us and that his plans are for our good. They are not to abandon us, but to help us thrive.
We don’t want to spend our lives waiting to be delivered from all that limits us and separates us from God’s best. We want to be set free now. But that can’t happen if we refuse to acknowledge the Holy Spirit’s power. When we deny the Holy Spirit’s attributes we become like those people the Bible speaks of who live “having a form of godliness but denying its power” (2 Timothy 3:5). We become professional Christians who talk “Christianese” with such a slick veneer of superficiality that it makes us untouchable and keeps us untouched. We become all show and no heart. All correctness and no love. All judgement and no mercy. All self-assurance and no humanity. All talk and no tears. We live powerless and meaningless lives without any hope for real transformation. And without transformation, how can we ever rise above our limitations and be God’s instrument to reach the world around us? And that is what life is all about.
-The Power of a Praying Woman
When I first transferred to Oregon State, God planted a dream within my heart to live in a house with my best friends. I deeply desired a group of friends who love God all living together under one roof.
In 2012, that dream came true. I moved into a house that we soon named, the Mansion.
This house was a dream come true. It is located on a main strip close to campus. This house was HUGE and allowed me to store everything I wasn’t currently using. This house had a beautiful kitchen so I was able to bless others by cooking yummy meals. This house became my home. We felt safe, loved, and happy to share this space with all who needed somewhere to go. I had planned to continue living in this house until I had to move out of Corvallis or until I got married.
Its funny when you make your own plans. I’m sure God laughs when we do that. A few days ago, I found out that living in this house is no longer an option. On June 30th, I will be moving out of this beloved home.
When I found out, I was absolutely shocked. I thought that that just couldn’t happen. There was no way I could move away from this house. This was MY house. But God planned otherwise. I am thankful for the time I got to spend in this house, growing, learning and living life with others. My days were filled with anxiety. I was so stressed trying to figure out what to do next. My mind raced with thoughts about where I was going to live, graduation looming over me- shaking my life to become a complete set of unknowns. No idea about jobs, housing, finishing school…the list went on and on. I was completely overwhelmed.
In that place of being overwhelmed, I found myself at the feet of Jesus.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mineYour grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
I felt like I was drowning. But this song brought me to tears before my Savior and dearest friend. After a day of completely melting down at every possible turn, a friend asked me to go to the beach with her. I thought the get-away would be a good stress reliever, so I went. As I stood on the shore of the ocean, the waves crashed violently along the rocks where I was standing. This ocean was so powerful. God is so much more powerful than that. He created the ocean, AND hes bigger than what I was feeling and experiencing. In that moment, God filled me with peace and reassured me he would carry me along the waves. He has never failed me before, and I KNEW he wouldn’t fail me now.
Saturday morning my future roommates and I secured a place to live. I am so excited about what this new adventure is going to be. I’m excited for the location God has called us to as roommates and the new community we will get to embrace. I’m excited to walk along these unknown waters where God called me. He’s taking me deeper than my feet could ever wander.
Days before I got the news about my house, I prayed and asked God to shake me. To shake my life, my comfort, and make me rely on Him like I haven’t before. Boy, did He answer.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
I have never written a blog about this before. I tend to keep pretty quiet about politics or heated topics, but due to my own experiences, I am quite sensitive to these issues. After recent events, this subject has been on my mind. Not to mention, I study things like this in my major almost daily.
I’m quite passionate about this subject. As a college student AND a female, I deal with issues like this quite often.
Violence in our society is a big issue. After events like the Isla Vista campus shooting, Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Virgina Tech, Columbine, and so many more, I can’t deny that something is wrong in our society. Things like this should NOT be happening. We live in a fallen world, yes. But there is more going on here. We need to take responsibility for the culture we have created.
The first part of this I want to address is mental health. The issues surrounding mental health have always borrowed me to the core. As someone who has struggled and overcome mental health issues, I was always bothered by the stigma surrounding mental health. When you are sick, you go to the doctor. No one looks at you funny or thinks anything different of you just because you have the flu. But if you have any form of a mental health illness, people don’t know how to deal with that. They want to hide you away until you “get better” and then they feel comfortable interacting with you again. Don’t get me wrong, there is something to be said for those who are a danger to others at large, and that does happen. But, mental health treatment is normal and shouldn’t be looked down upon. In fact, it healthy mental health choices should be encouraged.
One of the big reasons we have violence in our society is because of a lack of affordability and accessibility for mental health. I can’t tell you how many people I know who say, “yeah, I should see a counselor, but I don’t have time or I cant afford it.” This needs to change! In my years of seeing a counselor, it has helped me immensely. I want mental health to be regulated just as physical health is. In the school system, you have certain requirements for returning to school the next year. You have to see a doctor, get certain vaccinations, etc. Mental health should be the same! Kids should have to be evaluated and warning signs need to be observed.
The second big factor I want to address is the role of women. Women have become objects in society. They are used to sell products by using their bodies to promote a brand name. Women have unrealistic expectations placed on them all the time: Don’t be fat, but don’t be too skinny. Have emotions, but not so many that you’re crazy. Don’t be a prude and give it up already, but if you do you’re a slut. Women have to face these contradictory messages constantly about who they are and what their role is on society. The biggest expectation that bothers me is that women are expected to give away sex-anytime, anyplace. There is the idea among some men that women owe them sex and pleasure just because they are women.
This idea is false and so wrong. As someone who has first hand experience with these types of men, it sickens me. It sickens me that this continues to be an issue in society. It bothers me that men (and some women) believe this lie and reduce women to a slave. God created men and women, both of them, in his image. Both the man and the woman have roles, designed by God, to grow and work and contribute to the Kingdom of God. I have embraced this role and who God says I am. It has changed my life.
The third part I want to address is men. In society, men are also under a lot of pressure. I have no idea what that pressure feels like, but I can only imagine. Men are told to show no emotion, unless its anger. Why is anger the only accepted emotion for men to express? If they cry, they are considered pussys. In order to deal with these unrealistic expectations and denial of human emotions, men often bottle up their emotions. They end up exploding because they have no way to deal. This video expresses this way better than I would be able to articulate:
http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men?c=upw1
The fourth part I want to at least mention is gun violence. While this is an important issue, this isn’t the most important. Violence can happen without a gun: through other weapons, drugs, or physical aggression. Guns are just a powerful symptom and voice of a much larger issue.
There is more going on here than I have the eloquence to address. Our society is sick. And it’s time to see a doctor.
Today I picked up my graduation cap and gown. Picking up this was something I NEVER thought was going to happen. I came home from picking up my cap and gown and decided to try it on. I put on … Continue reading
1. It is absolutely beautiful. There are rolling green hills, mountains, fields of flowers, blue skies and dark rainy that make my mouth drop, and beautiful coastlines with roaring waves. There are so many colors from the greens, to the flowers, and the sound of birds chirping when spring begins to awaken. 
2. Each season is absolutely different and unique. When each season begins to emerge, there is a complete difference from the previous season. I love the change between Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring.
3. Hippies live here. I love the farmers markets, fresh food, and weirdos who live in this state.
4. There is so much to do! In a short drive I can go snowboarding, to the coast, or to the mountains. 
5. Adventure is out there. Even in my small town of Corvallis, there is so much to explore. I am constantly finding new places I love and little shops that make my insides giggle with delight.
6. Country. I live in a small agricultural town. I NEVER thought I would love a place like this. I have grown to love country music and country dancing and its amazing.
7. No Sales Tax. For a shopper like me, this is ENOUGH said!
8. Its a GREEN place. Not only physically green due to all the rain, but its a place that is kind to our earth. We recycle in this land! 🙂
Not to mention, the sunsets here take my breath away! 
9. Its quirky.
10. Most of all, its home.
This is a song from the new Rend Collective Experiment album, “The Art of Celebration”
I love this song. If you think about what a lighthouse is used for: direction, light, peace among the storms of the sea. God is our lighthouse! I love this beautiful imagery of God leading us and being our lighthouse.
“Fire before us, you’re the brightest, you will lead us through the storms”
Undivided: not divided, separated, or broken into parts. /// Divided: split, not united.
About a week ago, I was in Los Angeles, California at a conference called Campus Harvest. The theme of the conference was “Undivided: living a life of undivided love, life, and Lord.” I’m going to attempt to give you a snapshot of the amazing ways God worked on this trip, but my words are feeble and can hardly explain the greatness of this experience with our living God.
I left Corvallis, Oregon with 50 other college students on a bus at midnight Thursday the 20th. We drove all night and FINALLY arrived in LA around 4pm Friday afternoon. We had a little bit of time to clean up, and then we headed right to the conference! The night started in a powerful way with enthusiastic worship and praise. Then came some testimonies. This was incredibly cool-they were recorded testimonies put to dance. No one in my group really knew, but my testimony was the first to be played. It said:
I grew up with a father who was there, but anything but present. Work was his first priority and I was just a bother, an afterthought, something that interfered. I wanted him to notice me. I tried over and over to gain his attention, his affection and his love. As I grew up, I found new ways to get the attention I longed for. I ran to men to fill me. In the moment, it made me feel wanted, safe, desired, even loved. But afterward, feelings of guilt, shame, and abandonment worse than ever would attack over and over like the ocean and it’s never ending waves against the shore. I lived in this circular pattern for years. The names and faces changed, but the pattern was there, repeating itself over and over leaving a path of destruction. I gave myself over and over again thinking ‘this guy is different’, but it never was.
Then I met a new guy. One who lived years and years ago, the son of God. He was different. He accepted me as I was: broken and weak, lost and insecure, alone and searching. He took me in, healed me and made me whole in Him. He showed me who He created me to be: His precious child, His beloved, His DAUGHTER! He set me on a new path, a path of victory as I follow Him and let him be the guide to my life and love.
Sharing this testimony was incredibly hard to do. Sharing this part of my story isn’t something I volunteer to do. But God has been working on those parts of my heat. This is HIS STORY-one of redemption, healing, and victory. After the speaker on Friday night, there was an after-party. I found the girl who danced to my testimony and I told her, “that was my testimony you danced to. Thank you! That was so beautiful.” She was touched, hugged me and thanked me for sharing, as it was her story too. It amazes me how God brings people together like that. At the after party, we ate, drank, and were merry. There was a taco truck, mexican goodies galore, and music blaring which had to be danced to!
Grace City ladies at the after-party
Saturday morning we woke up early and were at the church by 8:30! We had a full day of speakers, include Seth Trimmer representing Grace City. There were seminars and different sessions we could attend. The experience overall was so eye-opening. I am from California-diversity isn’t new to me. But how I had forgotten after living in WHITE Oregon for 6 years. I was in awe of the color and culture represented all over the room. God is alive and well in all of these people and cultures, and I thought that was absolutely beautiful.
Saturday night is the highlight of the trip for me for sure. There was a time of worship and response. A bunch of people were baptized, including 3 people from Grace City! Sometimes during worship, I like to quiet my spirit and simply watch other worship God. I find that to be a beautiful way to worship God. As I was standing there joyfully taking in all that was going on around me, I felt a woman approach me. She told me sweet truths about how much I have been through and how God has been preparing me for something huge. She told me this is the time. She quoted Isaiah 60:1, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.” I instantly burst into tears. I was overwhelmed. She prayed for me and walked away almost as quickly as she came. I made my way to the back of the room and couldn’t help but raise my hands and dance around. God awoke my spirit in a whole new way that night. I cannot wait to see how God will use me, my story, and my willingness in His Kingdom.
Sunday we attended church at the same church we had been meeting at for the conference. Then we enjoyed a delightful day in Santa Monica and the Pier. We did a lot of walking! One of the things that shocked me while I was in LA was the amount of trash all over the place-on the roads, on the streets, sidewalks, the beach-everything. I can’t help but be eco-friendly, so it really stood out to me! I also got to have one of the best burgers of my life! it was a gluten free grass-fed beef burger. I was pretty much in heaven!
Some of the beautiful ladies I got to spend time with
Grace City at Santa Monica Pier
After a delightful day at the beach, we came back to the hotel and had a debrief. Second to my experience Saturday night, this was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I was in a group with mostly new people to me. People I hadn’t interacted with much over the course of the trip so far. This was a really cool experience for me because I got to hear how God worked within their hearts. We had some really amazing conversations about things we saw the Holy Spirit doing within us and around us. As the night started getting later, I found myself sitting on the second floor lobby on the floor having an awesome conversations with about 10 other people. It was like sweet honey and it left us all feeling totally jazzed on God.
On Monday, we drove south on the 5 to Long Beach, California. We arrived on the campus of California State: Long Beach. We set out to do something called “the God-test.” This was basically a way to interact with people to see where they stand with God and share your testimony or truth from the Bible. I approached a few people, and started conversations, but most people had to leave to get to class or catch their bus. This was making me feel pretty discouraged. Then my partner and I prayed that God would lead us to someone we really needed to talk to. The next person we talked to was a girl who was just getting back into faith and attending church again. She said it was such a blessing and encouragement that we spoke to her. God totally answered OUR prayer and HERS!
Just as we were finishing up with the God test, we were walking back to the meeting area. As we approached, we heard yelling and all sorts of commotion. There was a few people “preaching” and another group yelling at people for their sin, carrying signs saying “You deserve Hell” I saw these people preaching and I was instantly drawn in. There was a man talking about how there should be one man and one woman. A girl from the crowed yelled about her wanting to be with another woman. The man responded, “Do you mean to tell me that you are….a….LESBIAN?!” She proudly said she was. Instantly he started putting her down and telling her that God hated her.
I couldn’t handle what he was telling her so I instantly jumped in. I asked him to show me where in the Bible it says the God hates us. He quoted a couple random verses, taken out of context about how God will destroy people for their sin from the Old Testament. I was very angry at this point and I told him and the girl, “God does NOT hate people. God loves people.” I got up in the man’s face and was practically yelling at him. Things got kinda personal between me and him and he started asking about me. I told him I was a Christian and I was visiting from Oregon. He didn’t seem to like what I was saying. Then another person from the crowd stood up on a bench and started chanting “STOP HATE, PREACH RESPECT!” She was shaking as she yelled this into the crowd and others joined in with her. The man didn’t quite know how to get away from this so he started talking about something else. I began to see my efforts were not going anywhere, so I walked away. There is not much that makes me angry, but injustice and telling others lies about who God is makes me livid. I don’t know what came over me in this situation and I wish I would have handled it differently.
After that whole fiasco, we got back on the bus and started driving north to Oregon. We finally got back to Corvallis around 8am on Tuesday. I loved the conversations that we got to share on the bus and on the trip in general. I am overjoyed I got to go on this trip and experience all that God had for me. It was a powerful 4 days.
I’m excited to continue living my life in UNDIVIDED devotion to God. He has great plans for me. He has great plans for you. Let’s find out together what they are!
Joyfully Remade 