I never thought…

Three years ago this January I started school at Oregon State University. After several terms of failing, academic probation, and failed attempts to raise my GPA, in the summer of 2012, I was suspended from Oregon State for academic reasons.

This news crushed me. I was away at a camp in northern California for the summer when I got the news.

I was suspended from college.

The words replayed again and again in my head. I felt like a total and complete failure. I remember when I stated attending Oregon State I was worried I would fail. I was worried I wasn’t cut out for public college. For a “real” college. Those fears and thoughts all came out when I got suspended. That whole summer, if I was going to school in the fall and what I was doing loomed over me. I had to leave camp early and get my affairs in order. Due to circumstances out of my control, I was able to petition for reinstatement back to Oregon State, and my petition was granted.

In fall 2012, I fought hard to raise my grades and I have been doing so since. I never thought I would see “3.00” on my cumulative GPA ever. A few nights ago, I was checking out my degree progress. I am 91% completed with my degree and I have a cumulative GPA of 3.00. For the journey I have had and the roads I have had to walk and overcome, I am darn proud of myself! I FINALLY graduate from college this June. This is SUCH exciting news! I am overjoyed and proud of my accomplishments since choosing Oregon State University.

 

6 short months

In May, what I never thought would happen, happened. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but life really threw me a curve ball. A relationship I thought was headed to marriage deteriorated. It took me by complete surprise. Trying to find a way to move on, I did what I thought to move on: I started dating someone else. After trying that and realizing that wasn’t the answer I decided to pray and search out what I should do.

In July, I made a commitment. I made a commitment to myself, to God, and to singleness. For at least 6 months. Those 6 months of commitment to singleness come to an end in January, but what it taught me will never cease. (and honestly, I will probably stay single for much longer). Deciding to commit to being single was hard. I got a lot of flack for it. People kept telling me what I was doing was stupid. That if the “right” person came along during the commitment, I should give up and date them. In reality, what I found was that choosing not to date for a certain period of time was a HUGE blessing.

Choosing to be single for 6 months allowed me not to waste my time on guys who give me attention, but not respect. Pretty much all my life, if a guy gave me some sort of attention (positive or negative) I reveled in it, because at least someone was noticing me. I didn’t value myself, so I allowed others to walk all over me. Due to this commitment, I didn’t waste my time with dumb relationships that were going nowhere. I put my commitment out there and guys who weren’t interested in waiting gave up. This commitment helped me to see my value. I began to realize I was worth waiting for, that I am a beautiful woman and I deserve SO much better than what I was settling for. That a God-loving man will do A, B, & C. I realized how truly important seeing my value in God, as His daughter really was.

These 6-months of choosing not to date are almost coming to an end, but I think I’m going to keep up the attitude. I have learned so much during these six months. Is there a commitment God is putting on your heart to make? It’s worth it. He used this to grow me, change me, and transform me.

I’m not on track, but I’m waiting

Today I got word that another one of my good friends got engaged. This is the second couple close to my inner circle in the last couple months. First thoughts: pure excitement for this couple I know and love. I can clearly see how well they compliment one another. I am beyond happy for them…but here comes my thoughts when I begin to separate myself from the excitement for this couple.

Here I am: twenty-three years old, still in college, single. SINGLE. My journey hasn’t quite been what I expected it to be and it certainly hasn’t been on my ideal timeline. There has been thing after thing that didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I started college at Corban, expected to graduate from there, but God led me to go home after 2 and a half years there. Then I started at Oregon State, which has been amazing, but it is frustrating to watch everyone else my age: graduating, getting married, in grad school, having babies, etc.

I’m frustrated that I feel like my timeline doesn’t fit the social norm of what I should be doing for my age. That makes me feel like I’m behind where I should be. It also makes me feel like my choices are filled with pressure to get it right when it finally does come along. This is not how I should be living life. I can recognize that God’s plans are not our plans, AND that his plans are better than anything I can possibly imagine. I also recognize that my dreams are from the Lord and they will come to fruition. That is a promise from God. But what do I do in the meantime? I wait.

Waiting has been quite the interesting thing in my life lately. There are detailed things I am praying about and God keeps telling me to “wait.” God, wait?! What am I supposed to do with that? I’ve been spending a lot of time reading, re-reading, thinking and praying on Psalm 130.

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
² Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ Israel, put your hope in the Lord,for with the Lord is unfailing loveand with him is full redemption.⁸ He himself will redeem Israelfrom all their sins.

So here I am, waiting. Waiting, hoping, and trusting. God is bigger than I am. Bigger than these feelings. Bigger than anything I could possibly be experiencing.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be.” -Douglas Adams