In 2014, I struggled. I struggled with comparison. Day after day. Hour upon hour. It left me defeated, feeling useless, purposeless and incredibly insecure. I would override in my head what God called me to-I would make up excuses. “She … Continue reading
I have a secret. Its a secret I am ashamed to admit, scared to tell, and embarrassed for others to know about. Its a secret that has hurt me, ran my life into the ground, and has caused shame on top of shame.
I held onto this secret like someone forcing sand to stay in their hand. The more I forced, the more sand leaked out and I lost my ability to control it. Then I broke. The sand poured out and the secret began wreaking havoc on my life in more ways than one.
Then I decided to share.
I decided I didn’t have anything left to loose and it wouldn’t hurt to share. When I decided to share, to let others into the story, that is when I started to feel freedom. That is when I started to heal.
The more and more people I let into the story, to walk out the process of healing, the more freedom and healing I have experienced. I want to encourage you to share your story. Let people into the journey. Satan wants us to believe we are alone and to isolate us. Christ is victorious and always wins. Open up. Share. Let someone in. It’s worth it.
When I was in 8th grade, I wore black high top converse sneakers, black dickies, and a zip up hoodie. I had braces and long straight hair. I listened to Amy Lee, Evanescence, and Linkin Park. They were dark years. I loved to wear studded belts and bracelets. I remember applying to different high schools and being so concerned which one I would end up at.
The high school application process was intense. Nearly as intense as college applications. There were essays, interviews, and days where you would shadow at the school to get the “real experience” of being a student there. I got accepted into every private high school I applied to. I ended up going to a college preparatory school named The King’s Academy. The school I went to was not only rigorous academically, it was also a private Christian school. This environment set me up to succeed.
When I graduated high school, I wore skinny jeans and cardigans. I listened to the top 40 hits and had a short bob style haircut. I had my first job at Claire’s and I spent a majority of my time in the dance studio, church, or work. I remember applying to different colleges and feeling the pressure of this place being my new home. I HAD to to make a decision that would affect at least the next 4 years of my life.
I remember going to the christian college fair at my high school. I knew what I wanted in a college: Christian environment, small class sizes, non-required chapel, the ability to study Psychology, and somewhere far away from home. I walked up to the booth of the college I ended up attending: Corban College. Located in Salem, OR. “Oregon?,” I thought. “That’s not close to San Jose, CA…this would be a fresh start. I signed up for information, applied, and set up my visit to the school.
I got really sick the weekend I was planning to visit and was unable to make my visit 600 miles away to my future school. I got in at a few other schools, mostly in Southern California, which is where I wanted to go. That was where I always saw myself.
God had other plans.
In August 2008, I packed up 6 boxes with all my belongings and drove north to Salem, Oregon. As soon as I saw the first sign I was flooded with anxiety. “Who goes to a school they never visited!?” “What was I thinking?” I told my mom to turn the car around and go home. She kept driving. My mom pulled into the parking lot of my new dorm building and we walked inside to be greeted by my new Resident Assistant. I walked the long hallway to my new room. I walked in the room and it looked like a prison. I hated it. I knew instantly I had made a mistake.
As time went on and I settled in, I really began to feel at home. Going to Oregon was always the right choice for me. After a few years at Corban, I knew I wasn’t meant to be there anymore. In the middle of October 2010, I began to pack up my belongings and I boarded a flight back to San Jose, CA.
I wrestled with my choices. “What would this mean for me academically?” “Will I ever graduate college?” “I moved away so I wouldn’t have to come back here, and now here I am” “Did God not really lead me there?” “What does God have next for me?”
In a few short months, he would begin to show me.
I applied to Oregon State University and was accepted in December 2010. I packed up my car and drove north again to start school again. As I have been at Oregon State almost 4 years, I am always amazed at how God led me here. I would NEVER have picked this place for myself, but as I let him lead me and my life, things made more sense. It wasn’t always easy, but he was there and he was faithful and HE NEVER LEFT ME ALONE.
As you look back on your life, all the things that have happened to you. All the things you have gone through. The good, the bad, the hard, the easy and the beautiful…it all has a purpose. A purpose bigger than we can see or we can imagine. God’s plans for us are always bigger than we can ask or imagine.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
We may not always understand, but if we trust who God is, His character and love for us, we can always step out in obedience and trust that he loves us and that his plans are for our good. They are not to abandon us, but to help us thrive.
Today I picked up my graduation cap and gown. Picking up this was something I NEVER thought was going to happen. I came home from picking up my cap and gown and decided to try it on. I put on … Continue reading
One day, I hope to stand at the end of a long aisle waiting for my groom. I hope to wear a white dress an be all dolled up, grinning and beaming from ear to ear with joy.
I love the idea that brides wear white. It shows purity, virtue, cleanliness and so much more. I was at an event in Portland tonight, called Loveology. It was a really powerful night and I can’t wait to hear stories about how God moved.
I’ve always had a messy sexual past. I started giving myself away too young, really before I even knew what I was doing. Once it started, I felt like it didn’t matter anyway, so I kept going. Once I started caring, I felt like it was too late. So every time I got into a new relationship, I would try and try, but ultimately fail to keep purity and God in the relationship.
Last night at the event, they had a time of prayer. I stood in my spot for a while and then I decided to walk back and be prayed for. I spoke briefly to the woman who prayed for me: I told her that my past was messy (some being my fault and some being done against my will). I was feeling stuck as how to move forward from that. As I was being prayed for, tears began to stream down my face. My heart broke to hear the woman praying for me crying as well! The woman praying over me spoke about how God sees me pure and completely made clean. I saw a vision of myself wearing a beautiful white dress, frolicking about on the beach. As she spoke, I was overwhelmed with peace. I am made new by Christ. My past does not define me. It’s a story of redemption and healing.
One day, I will wear a white dress and be radiant. Maybe it will be with a man I love on earth, and maybe just celebrating in Heaven with my Daddy. Either way, I’m secure that God is bigger than anything we can possibly walk through and he is faithful in walking with us. No matter what.
About 9 months ago, I went through a breakup. I had been through breakups before, but this breakup was unlike anything I had experienced before. I felt shattered. Like someone threw a ball into a glass window and just left the pieces. I was completely broken and really uncertain if I would see light or feel joy ever again. I desperately tried to find answers. I would look online and talk to my friends in a desperate attempt to understand and make sense of what was happening around me. But nothing helped.
About 1 week after the breakup, I took a trip to Bend. I went exploring in the Lava Caves with some friends. I learned something new about myself: darkness and closed spaces are not friends of mine. The cave started out pretty big, but as it went on, the ceiling got shorter and shorter. Eventually, it reached a point where you had to crawl on your hands and knees to keep going. By this point, I had kind of had enough so I decided to turn around. The rest of the group kept going, leaving me with 1 very small flashlight in a very dark cave.
At first I just stood there, thinking I would wait for the rest of the group. Then the darkness set it. I was terrified. I was alone. There was nothing but silence surrounding me. All these things combined lead me to mildly freak out. Then I started singing, “Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other…” At the time, singing in a dark cave seemed reasonable. I started walking towards the exit of the cave, which at this point seemed like miles and miles away. One small family with a little child walked passed me. I asked them if I could walk with them because they had a lantern. They said I could! So I was walking with this family, but they were walking slowly and anxiety was welling up inside me.
I passed the family and ended up walking alone in the dark again. In the dark, God spoke to me. “Sarah, right now it seems really dark. It seems like you are never going to get out of this cave. You have a small flashlight and you can only see what is directly in front of your feet. You will get out. Trust me.” In the moment, God was calming my fears about the cave, but his words had so much more meaning than just getting out of the cave. Those words gave me hope that I would be okay. That I would get past this situation AND that God was going to use it for something.
So here I am, 9 months later. It has still been hard some days, but I am so very thankful for having to walk this road. I couldn’t be more joyful for where God has me now and the opportunities he has given me lately.
Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise.
There is no one like you. None like you.
A few years ago, I went on a trip to Utah to work with Mormons. If you want to read more about that you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. Since that trip, I have had a desire to sit down with other people of faith and have conversation about beliefs.
My first experience with Mormons was in junior high. I was invited to a dance at the LDS church. My next experience was in Utah on the trip with my college group. This term, I am taking a religions class. We had the opportunity to pick a religious group for our research paper. I knew instantly I wanted to do my paper about Mormons. That is when my passion was ignited again.
While working on my paper, I found my interest growing. I went onto the LDS church website and requested the book of mormon. For a while now, I have wanted to read this book. The next day, some missionaries came to my door, but I wasn’t home. They came again the next day and the day after. My roommates finally gave them my contact information and they called me the next day to make arrangements to meet up.
On Monday night, I (and my friend Crystal) went to the LDS church close to campus. We got a short tour of the building and then met with 2 sister missionaries and 1 missionary in training. We had a pleasant conversation about what we think about the Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit) and modern-day prophets. I went into the meeting with so many questions and I left with so many more. Tomorrow, I am meeting up with them again! I’m so excited to converse with them.
6 years ago I was a senior in high school. I was far from following God, doing my own thing quite contently. There was a Christian college fair at my high school, so I decided to go just to see what my options were. Even though I was far from God at that time, I knew going to a Christian college was the best option for me. I saw college as the “time to get my act together” and going to a Christian school was a shoe-in to get my relationship with God figured out eventually.
I walked around to different booths, gathered free college gear and asked questions to see where would be the right fit for me. And there, in a corner, I saw it. Corban College. All the way in Salem, Oregon. 600 miles away from San Jose, CA, the only place I knew as home. This place called to me like dirt to a vacuum from the beginning.
I pulled a Jonah and applied to everywhere else I could. I wanted to go to southern California. I wanted sunshine, beaches, and all the luxury that came with living in southern California. It was the ONLY place I pictured myself. I didn’t want to go to Oregon. In my mind, it was redneck, dirty, country, dark and rainy. That was not only unappealing, but absolutely terrifying.
The day came when I had to make a decision. This was so scary in so many ways. What if I made the WRONG decision? I would be forced to live with the wrong choice for the rest of my life, or at least the next four years. That’s how I saw it anyway. To make matters worse, I didn’t have a change to actually visit any of the schools I got into. I had to make a decision based on complete trust in God. I remember sitting at the dining room table with my mom on the night of April 30th, 2008. I had to make a college decision by May 1, 2008. The time was counting down and I was feeling pressured. My mom asked me where I wanted to go. I tried to hold it in, but I burst into tears and said to my mom, “I want to go to southern California, but I know God wants me to go to Oregon!” She looked at me and said, “looks like you’re going to Corban!” We both cried and hugged.
Going to Corban was such a beautiful part of my journey and my relationship with God. In my 2 and a half years there, I learned, experienced, and grew so much. And honestly, I wouldn’t change any part of that.
I NEVER thought I wanted to live in Oregon. Now that I’m there, and have been here for 6 years, there is NO WHERE else I would rather be. I love this place. I love the nature, the beauty, the community, the culture, the hipsters, the outdoorsyness, the adventure, the people, the relationships, the food, and SO much more that I don’t even know about yet. Now that I can look back, I can clearly see why God lead me here. He has strange ways that we cannot always understand, BUT he is good. And His plans are good. He is SO trustworthy.
Joyfully Remade 