White Dress

One day, I hope to stand at the end of a long aisle waiting for my groom. I hope to wear a white dress an be all dolled up, grinning and beaming from ear to ear with joy.

I love the idea that brides wear white. It shows purity, virtue, cleanliness and so much more. I was at an event in Portland tonight, called Loveology. It was a really powerful night and I can’t wait to hear stories about how God moved.

I’ve always had a messy sexual past. I started giving myself away too young, really before I even knew what I was doing. Once it started, I felt like it didn’t matter anyway, so I kept going. Once I started caring, I felt like it was too late. So every time I got into a new relationship, I would try and try, but ultimately fail to keep purity and God in the relationship.

Last night at the event, they had a time of prayer. I stood in my spot for a while and then I decided to walk back and be prayed for. I spoke briefly to the woman who prayed for me: I told her that my past was messy (some being my fault and some being done against my will). I was feeling stuck as how to move forward from that. As I was being prayed for, tears began to stream down my face. My heart broke to hear the woman praying for me crying as well! The woman praying over me spoke about how God sees me pure and completely made clean. I saw a vision of myself wearing a beautiful white dress, frolicking about on the beach. As she spoke, I was overwhelmed with peace. I am made new by Christ. My past does not define me. It’s a story of redemption and healing.

One day, I will wear a white dress and be radiant. Maybe it will be with a man I love on earth, and maybe just celebrating in Heaven with my Daddy. Either way, I’m secure that God is bigger than anything we can possibly walk through and he is faithful in walking with us. No matter what.

Into the Darkness you Shine

About 9 months ago, I went through a breakup. I had been through breakups before, but this breakup was unlike anything I had experienced before. I felt shattered. Like someone threw a ball into a glass window and just left the pieces. I was completely broken and really uncertain if I would see light or feel joy ever again. I desperately tried to find answers. I would look online and talk to my friends in a desperate attempt to understand and make sense of what was happening around me. But nothing helped.

About 1 week after the breakup, I took a trip to Bend. I went exploring in the Lava Caves with some friends. I learned something new about myself: darkness and closed spaces are not friends of mine. The cave started out pretty big, but as it went on, the ceiling got shorter and shorter. Eventually, it reached a point where you had to crawl on your hands and knees to keep going. By this point, I had kind of had enough so I decided to turn around. The rest of the group kept going, leaving me with 1 very small flashlight in a very dark cave.

At first I just stood there, thinking I would wait for the rest of the group. Then the darkness set it. I was terrified. I was alone. There was nothing but silence surrounding me. All these things combined lead me to mildly freak out. Then I started singing, “Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other…” At the time, singing in a dark cave seemed reasonable. I started walking towards the exit of the cave, which at this point seemed like miles and miles away. One small family with a little child walked passed me. I asked them if I could walk with them because they had a lantern. They said I could! So I was walking with this family, but they were walking slowly and anxiety was welling up inside me.

I passed the family and ended up walking alone in the dark again. In the dark, God spoke to me. “Sarah, right now it seems really dark. It seems like you are never going to get out of this cave. You have a small flashlight and you can only see what is directly in front of your feet. You will get out. Trust me.” In the moment, God was calming my fears about the cave, but his words had so much more meaning than just getting out of the cave. Those words gave me hope that I would be okay. That I would get past this situation AND that God was going to use it for something.

So here I am, 9 months later. It has still been hard some days, but I am so very thankful for having to walk this road. I couldn’t be more joyful for where God has me now and the opportunities he has given me lately.

Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise.

There is no one like you. None like you.

Conversations of Faith

A few years ago, I went on a trip to Utah to work with Mormons. If you want to read more about that you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. Since that trip, I have had a desire to sit down with other people of faith and have conversation about beliefs.

My first experience with Mormons was in junior high. I was invited to a dance at the LDS church. My next experience was in Utah on the trip with my college group. This term, I am taking a religions class. We had the opportunity to pick a religious group for our research paper. I knew instantly I wanted to do my paper about Mormons. That is when my passion was ignited again.

While working on my paper, I found my interest growing. I went onto the LDS church website and requested the book of mormon. For a while now, I have wanted to read this book. The next day, some missionaries came to my door, but I wasn’t home. They came again the next day and the day after. My roommates finally gave them my contact information and they called me the next day to make arrangements to meet up.

On Monday night, I (and my friend Crystal) went to the LDS church close to campus. We got a short tour of the building and then met with 2 sister missionaries and 1 missionary in training. We had a pleasant conversation about what we think about the Holy Ghost (Holy Spirit) and modern-day prophets. I went into the meeting with so many questions and I left with so many more. Tomorrow, I am meeting up with them again! I’m so excited to converse with them. 

Delight

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and will help you. Psalm 37:4-5

 

I’m a person who always looks at what is next. For me, there are SO many exciting things coming up in the next couple months. Graduation, internships, new relationships, opportunities, summer weather, and so many more! As excited as I am, I don’t want to miss what I have going on right now. God has exciting plans for my future, but what about my present? His plans for my present are JUST as exciting as His plans for my future. I don’t want to miss what he is doing now!

Lately, I have been filled with hope. Hope for God’s good plans for me, his plans for you, and being patient as he accomplishes them. Hope for the days, although they are filled with rain here in the Pacific Northwest, sunshine is coming. And when it comes, it will be beautiful.

Delight is defined as, “great pleasure; happiness, joy, glee, thrill, gladness”

I want to delight in what God has given me now. What do you think God is calling you to delight in?

Singleness & Contentment

I’m single. And this Valentine’s day I celebrated love. I celebrated with friends, roommates, and co-workers. Love is something to celebrate, despite being single or in a relationship.

I was unsure how to feel going into Valentine’s day. Honestly, I didn’t have a bad day. I had a great day. I choose to be thankful for what I have and be patient with my dreams of being in a relationship again one day.

Don’t think for one minute that I am completely content in my singleness. I’ll be the first to tell you- I am not. But what I am trying to be content in is God. His plans for me. I’m kinda really excited about the phase of life I’m in. I’m about to graduate college. My life is full of opportunity. That’s so exciting and hopeful to me! I am blessed by being single. I have MORE time to serve, love others, and work hard for the passions God has placed within my heart.

I am reading a book called Calm my Anxious Heart and it is so unbelievably good that I keep re-reading chapters over and over. It is one of those refreshing slaps in the faces, ya know? The book talks again and again (because I keep reading again and again) about how contentment in the Lord is real and true when you can be content despite your circumstances. WOW. That is how I want to be able to live: joyfully content in the Lord- no matter what is going on in my life.

To my other single friends, it’s okay to feel discontent with being single. It’s okay to long for the season of life that means having a husband, a family, and everything else. God has designed us to be in relationships with others. In the Garden of Eden, God made Eve because he saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone! I want to challenge you to trust God with those details of life. He knows your desires- they are from Him!

A lie to be covered by the snow

There is darkness on snow days. There is loneliness, pain, and shame. You wake up, excited, only to be filled with the aching feeling that you are alone. There is no one around you. Or even worse, there are people all around you, but yet you still feel alone. You feel isolated, forgotten, and unwanted.

There is a lie Satan likes us to believe.

YOU ARE ALONE

This is a huge lie. The biggest of all lies. Yes, it is SO easy to fall for, to believe. When we admit this lie to the community around us, we are welcomed with open, loving, and inviting arms. People that will walk though the dark roads together, as Christ has called us to. It doesn’t matter if it is messy, ugly, or unkept. There is beauty in the organic of walking life with others when it is messy. God blesses that. He honors that, and it delights Him. We are not alone. Not only because God is ALWAYS with us, but he has also given us a family of believers to walk along life with us.

Reach out to those you love. Come over even if they tell you not to. Community is worth the fight. Love is needed.

I don’t want to go to Oregon.

6 years ago I was a senior in high school. I was far from following God, doing my own thing quite contently. There was a Christian college fair at my high school, so I decided to go just to see what my options were. Even though I was far from God at that time, I knew going to a Christian college was the best option for me. I saw college as the “time to get my act together” and going to a Christian school was a shoe-in to get my relationship with God figured out eventually.

I walked around to different booths, gathered free college gear and asked questions to see where would be the right fit for me. And there, in a corner, I saw it. Corban College. All the way in Salem, Oregon. 600 miles away from San Jose, CA, the only place I knew as home. This place called to me like dirt to a vacuum from the beginning.

I pulled a Jonah and applied to everywhere else I could. I wanted to go to southern California. I wanted sunshine, beaches, and all the luxury that came with living in southern California. It was the ONLY place I pictured myself. I didn’t want to go to Oregon. In my mind, it was redneck, dirty, country, dark and rainy. That was not only unappealing, but absolutely terrifying.

The day came when I had to make a decision. This was so scary in so many ways. What if I made the WRONG decision? I would be forced to live with the wrong choice for the rest of my life, or at least the next four years. That’s how I saw it anyway. To make matters worse, I didn’t have a change to actually visit any of the schools I got into. I had to make a decision based on complete trust in God. I remember sitting at the dining room table with my mom on the night of April 30th, 2008. I had to make a college decision by May 1, 2008. The time was counting down and I was feeling pressured. My mom asked me where I wanted to go. I tried to hold it in, but I burst into tears and said to my mom, “I want to go to southern California, but I know God wants me to go to Oregon!” She looked at me and said, “looks like you’re going to Corban!” We both cried and hugged.

Going to Corban was such a beautiful part of my journey and my relationship with God. In my 2 and a half years there, I learned, experienced, and grew so much. And honestly, I wouldn’t change any part of that.

I NEVER thought I wanted to live in Oregon. Now that I’m there, and have been here for 6 years, there is NO WHERE else I would rather be. I love this place. I love the nature, the beauty, the community, the culture, the hipsters, the outdoorsyness, the adventure, the people, the relationships, the food, and SO much more that I don’t even know about yet. Now that I can look back, I can clearly see why God lead me here. He has strange ways that we cannot always understand, BUT he is good. And His plans are good. He is SO trustworthy.

I want to live [2014]

Its 12 days into the year 2014. Up until now, I didn’t really have “resolutions” other than goals to take better care of myself, relationships, and work harder, etc.etc… Those “resolutions” are common, but didn’t really feel like my mantra for 2014.

Over this weekend, I went camping on the Oregon Coast with a bunch of friends. It was such a great time and I am so glad I went! I realized though, this was my first camping trip in a long long time. My reason? I was always too insecure, too afraid, too (fill in the blank).

In 2014, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t REALLY have anything to be afraid of. I want to live life fully. I want to passionately seek after my Creator and follow Him. I want to try new things without fear. I want to live.

And in 2014, I’m going to. I’m going to take adventures. I’m going to explore. I’m going to try new things. I’m going to passionately love and live in my relationships. I’m going to take care of myself and revel in good things. Here’s to living!

I never thought…

Three years ago this January I started school at Oregon State University. After several terms of failing, academic probation, and failed attempts to raise my GPA, in the summer of 2012, I was suspended from Oregon State for academic reasons.

This news crushed me. I was away at a camp in northern California for the summer when I got the news.

I was suspended from college.

The words replayed again and again in my head. I felt like a total and complete failure. I remember when I stated attending Oregon State I was worried I would fail. I was worried I wasn’t cut out for public college. For a “real” college. Those fears and thoughts all came out when I got suspended. That whole summer, if I was going to school in the fall and what I was doing loomed over me. I had to leave camp early and get my affairs in order. Due to circumstances out of my control, I was able to petition for reinstatement back to Oregon State, and my petition was granted.

In fall 2012, I fought hard to raise my grades and I have been doing so since. I never thought I would see “3.00” on my cumulative GPA ever. A few nights ago, I was checking out my degree progress. I am 91% completed with my degree and I have a cumulative GPA of 3.00. For the journey I have had and the roads I have had to walk and overcome, I am darn proud of myself! I FINALLY graduate from college this June. This is SUCH exciting news! I am overjoyed and proud of my accomplishments since choosing Oregon State University.