When Oceans Rise

When I first transferred to Oregon State, God planted a dream within my heart to live in a house with my best friends. I deeply desired a group of friends who love God all living together under one roof.

In 2012, that dream came true. I moved into a house that we soon named, the Mansion.

This house was a dream come true. It is located on a main strip close to campus. This house was HUGE and allowed me to store everything I wasn’t currently using. This house had a beautiful kitchen so I was able to bless others by cooking yummy meals. This house became my home. We felt safe, loved, and happy to share this space with all who needed somewhere to go. I had planned to continue living in this house until I had to move out of Corvallis or until I got married.

Its funny when you make your own plans. I’m sure God laughs when we do that. A few days ago, I found out that living in this house is no longer an option. On June 30th, I will be moving out of this beloved home.

When I found out, I was absolutely shocked. I thought that that just couldn’t happen. There was no way I could move away from this house. This was MY house. But God planned otherwise. I am thankful for the time I got to spend in this house, growing, learning and living life with others. My days were filled with anxiety. I was so stressed trying to figure out what to do next. My mind raced with thoughts about where I was going to live, graduation looming over me- shaking my life to become a complete set of unknowns. No idea about jobs, housing, finishing school…the list went on and on. I was completely overwhelmed.

In that place of being overwhelmed, I found myself at the feet of Jesus.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

I felt like I was drowning. But this song brought me to tears before my Savior and dearest friend. After a day of completely melting down at every possible turn, a friend asked me to go to the beach with her. I thought the get-away would be a good stress reliever, so I went. As I stood on the shore of the ocean, the waves crashed violently along the rocks where I was standing. This ocean was so powerful. God is so much more powerful than that. He created the ocean, AND hes bigger than what I was feeling and experiencing. In that moment, God filled me with peace and reassured me he would carry me along the waves. He has never failed me before, and I KNEW he wouldn’t fail me now.

Saturday morning my future roommates and I secured a place to live. I am so excited about what this new adventure is going to be. I’m excited for the location God has called us to as roommates and the new community we will get to embrace. I’m excited to walk along these unknown waters where God called me. He’s taking me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

Days before I got the news about my house, I prayed and asked God to shake me. To shake my life, my comfort, and make me rely on Him like I haven’t before. Boy, did He answer.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

 

We are sick

I have never written a blog about this before. I tend to keep pretty quiet about politics or heated topics, but due to my own experiences, I am quite sensitive to these issues. After recent events, this subject has been on my mind. Not to mention, I study things like this in my major almost daily.

I’m quite passionate about this subject. As a college student AND a female, I deal with issues like this quite often.

Violence in our society is a big issue. After events like the Isla Vista campus shooting, Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Virgina Tech, Columbine, and so many more, I can’t deny that something is wrong in our society. Things like this should NOT be happening. We live in a fallen world, yes. But there is more going on here. We need to take responsibility for the culture we have created.

The first part of this I want to address is mental health. The issues surrounding mental health have always borrowed me to the core. As someone who has struggled and overcome mental health issues, I was always bothered by the stigma surrounding mental health. When you are sick, you go to the doctor. No one looks at you funny or thinks anything different of you just because you have the flu. But if you have any form of a mental health illness, people don’t know how to deal with that. They want to hide you away until you “get better” and then they feel comfortable interacting with you again. Don’t get me wrong, there is something to be said for those who are a danger to others at large, and that does happen. But, mental health treatment is normal and shouldn’t be looked down upon. In fact, it healthy mental health choices should be encouraged.
One of the big reasons we have violence in our society is because of a lack of affordability and accessibility for mental health. I can’t tell you how many people I know who say, “yeah, I should see a counselor, but I don’t have time or I cant afford it.” This needs to change! In my years of seeing a counselor, it has helped me immensely. I want mental health to be regulated just as physical health is. In the school system, you have certain requirements for returning to school the next year. You have to see a doctor, get certain vaccinations, etc. Mental health should be the same! Kids should have to be evaluated and warning signs need to be observed.

The second big factor I want to address is the role of women. Women have become objects in society. They are used to sell products by using their bodies to promote a brand name. Women have unrealistic expectations placed on them all the time: Don’t be fat, but don’t be too skinny. Have emotions, but not so many that you’re crazy. Don’t be a prude and give it up already, but if you do you’re a slut. Women have to face these contradictory messages constantly about who they are and what their role is on society. The biggest expectation that bothers me is that women are expected to give away sex-anytime, anyplace. There is the idea among some men that women owe them sex and pleasure just because they are women.
This idea is false and so wrong. As someone who has first hand experience with these types of men, it sickens me. It sickens me that this continues to be an issue in society. It bothers me that men (and some women) believe this lie and reduce women to a slave. God created men and women, both of them, in his image. Both the man and the woman have roles, designed by God, to grow and work and contribute to the Kingdom of God. I have embraced this role and who God says I am. It has changed my life.

The third part I want to address is men. In society, men are also under a lot of pressure. I have no idea what that pressure feels like, but I can only imagine. Men are told to show no emotion, unless its anger. Why is anger the only accepted emotion for men to express? If they cry, they are considered pussys. In order to deal with these unrealistic expectations and denial of human emotions, men often bottle up their emotions. They end up exploding because they have no way to deal. This video expresses this way better than I would be able to articulate:
http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men?c=upw1

The fourth part I want to at least mention is gun violence. While this is an important issue, this isn’t the most important. Violence can happen without a gun: through other weapons, drugs, or physical aggression. Guns are just a powerful symptom and voice of a much larger issue.

There is more going on here than I have the eloquence to address. Our society is sick. And it’s time to see a doctor.

Reasons I LOVE Oregon

1. It is absolutely beautiful. There are rolling green hills, mountains, fields of flowers, blue skies and dark rainy that make my mouth drop, and beautiful coastlines with roaring waves. There are so many colors from the greens, to the flowers, and the sound of birds chirping when spring begins to awaken.

2. Each season is absolutely different and unique. When each season begins to emerge, there is a complete difference from the previous season. I love the change between Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring.

3. Hippies live here. I love the farmers markets, fresh food, and weirdos who live in this state.

4. There is so much to do! In a short drive I can go snowboarding, to the coast, or to the mountains.

5. Adventure is out there. Even in my small town of Corvallis, there is so much to explore. I am constantly finding new places I love and little shops that make my insides giggle with delight.

6. Country. I live in a small agricultural town. I NEVER thought I would love a place like this. I have grown to love country music and country dancing and its amazing.

7. No Sales Tax. For a shopper like me, this is ENOUGH said!

8. Its a GREEN place. Not only physically green due to all the rain, but its a place that is kind to our earth. We recycle in this land! 🙂
Not to mention, the sunsets here take my breath away!

9. Its quirky.

10. Most of all, its home.

 

Lighthouse by Rend Collective Experiement

This is a song from the new Rend Collective Experiment album, “The Art of Celebration”

I love this song. If you think about what a lighthouse is used for: direction, light, peace among the storms of the sea. God is our lighthouse! I love this beautiful imagery of God leading us and being our lighthouse.

“Fire before us, you’re the brightest, you will lead us through the storms”

Undivided

Undivided: not divided, separated, or broken into parts. ///  Divided: split, not united.

About a week ago, I was in Los Angeles, California at a conference called Campus Harvest. The theme of the conference was “Undivided: living a life of undivided love, life, and Lord.” I’m going to attempt to give you a snapshot of the amazing ways God worked on this trip, but my words are feeble and can hardly explain the greatness of this experience with our living God.

I left Corvallis, Oregon with 50 other college students on a bus at midnight Thursday the 20th. We drove all night and FINALLY arrived in LA around 4pm Friday afternoon. We had a little bit of time to clean up, and then we headed right to the conference! The night started in a powerful way with enthusiastic worship and praise. Then came some testimonies. This was incredibly cool-they were recorded testimonies put to dance. No one in my group really knew, but my testimony was the first to be played. It said:

I grew up with a father who was there, but anything but present. Work was his first priority and I was just a bother, an afterthought, something that interfered. I wanted him to notice me. I tried over and over to gain his attention, his affection and his love. As I grew up, I found new ways to get the attention I longed for. I ran to men to fill me. In the moment, it made me feel wanted, safe, desired, even loved. But afterward, feelings of guilt, shame, and abandonment worse than ever would attack over and over like the ocean and it’s never ending waves against the shore. I lived in this circular pattern for years. The names and faces changed, but the pattern was there, repeating itself over and over leaving a path of destruction. I gave myself over and over again thinking ‘this guy is different’, but it never was.

Then I met a new guy. One who lived years and years ago, the son of God. He was different. He accepted me as I was: broken and weak, lost and insecure, alone and searching. He took me in, healed me and made me whole in Him. He showed me who He created me to be: His precious child, His beloved, His DAUGHTER! He set me on a new path, a path of victory as I follow Him and let him be the guide to my life and love.

 

Sharing this testimony was incredibly hard to do. Sharing this part of my story isn’t something I volunteer to do. But God has been working on those parts of my heat. This is HIS STORY-one of redemption, healing, and victory. After the speaker on Friday night, there was an after-party. I found the girl who danced to my testimony and I told her, “that was my testimony you danced to. Thank you! That was so beautiful.” She was touched, hugged me and thanked me for sharing, as it was her story too. It amazes me how God brings people together like that. At the after party, we ate, drank, and were merry. There was a taco truck, mexican goodies galore, and music blaring which had to be danced to!

Grace City ladies at the after-party

Saturday morning we woke up early and were at the church by 8:30! We had a full day of speakers, include Seth Trimmer representing Grace City. There were seminars and different sessions we could attend. The experience overall was so eye-opening. I am from California-diversity isn’t new to me. But how I had forgotten after living in WHITE Oregon for 6 years. I was in awe of the color and culture represented all over the room. God is alive and well in all of these people and cultures, and I thought that was absolutely beautiful.

Saturday night is the highlight of the trip for me for sure. There was a time of worship and response. A bunch of people were baptized, including 3 people from Grace City! Sometimes during worship, I like to quiet my spirit and simply watch other worship God. I find that to be a beautiful way to worship God. As I was standing there joyfully taking in all that was going on around me, I felt a woman approach me. She told me sweet truths about how much I have been through and how God has been preparing me for something huge. She told me this is the time. She quoted Isaiah 60:1, “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.” I instantly burst into tears. I was overwhelmed. She prayed for me and walked away almost as quickly as she came. I made my way to the back of the room and couldn’t help but raise my hands and dance around. God awoke my spirit in a whole new way that night. I cannot wait to see how God will use me, my story, and my willingness in His Kingdom. 

Sunday we attended church at the same church we had been meeting at for the conference. Then we enjoyed a delightful day in Santa Monica and the Pier. We did a lot of walking! One of the things that shocked me while I was in LA was the amount of trash all over the place-on the roads, on the streets, sidewalks, the beach-everything. I can’t help but be eco-friendly, so it really stood out to me! I also got to have one of the best burgers of my life! it was a gluten free grass-fed beef burger. I was pretty much in heaven!

Some of the beautiful ladies I got to spend time with

Grace City at Santa Monica Pier

After a delightful day at the beach, we came back to the hotel and had a debrief. Second to my experience Saturday night, this was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I was in a group with mostly new people to me. People I hadn’t interacted with much over the course of the trip so far. This was a really cool experience for me because I got to hear how God worked within their hearts. We had some really amazing conversations about things we saw the Holy Spirit doing within us and around us. As the night started getting later, I found myself sitting on the second floor lobby on the floor having an awesome conversations with about 10 other people. It was like sweet honey and it left us all feeling totally jazzed on God.

On Monday, we drove south on the 5 to Long Beach, California. We arrived on the campus of California State: Long Beach. We set out to do something called “the God-test.” This was basically a way to interact with people to see where they stand with God and share your testimony or truth from the Bible. I approached a few people, and started conversations, but most people had to leave to get to class or catch their bus. This was making me feel pretty discouraged. Then my partner and I prayed that God would lead us to someone we really needed to talk to. The next person we talked to was a girl who was just getting back into faith and attending church again. She said it was such a blessing and encouragement that we spoke to her. God totally answered OUR prayer and HERS!

Just as we were finishing up with the God test, we were walking back to the meeting area. As we approached, we heard yelling and all sorts of commotion. There was a few people “preaching” and another group yelling at people for their sin, carrying signs saying “You deserve Hell” I saw these people preaching and I was instantly drawn in. There was a man talking about how there should be one man and one woman. A girl from the crowed yelled about her wanting to be with another woman. The man responded, “Do you mean to tell me that you are….a….LESBIAN?!” She proudly said she was. Instantly he started putting her down and telling her that God hated her.

I couldn’t handle what he was telling her so I instantly jumped in. I asked him to show me where in the Bible it says the God hates us. He quoted a couple random verses, taken out of context about how God will destroy people for their sin from the Old Testament. I was very angry at this point and I told him and the girl, “God does NOT hate people. God loves people.” I got up in the man’s face and was practically yelling at him. Things got kinda personal between me and him and he started asking about me. I told him I was a Christian and I was visiting from Oregon. He didn’t seem to like what I was saying. Then another person from the crowd stood up on a bench and started chanting “STOP HATE, PREACH RESPECT!” She was shaking as she yelled this into the crowd and others joined in with her. The man didn’t quite know how to get away from this so he started talking about something else. I began to see my efforts were not going anywhere, so I walked away. There is not much that makes me angry, but injustice and telling others lies about who God is makes me livid. I don’t know what came over me in this situation and I wish I would have handled it differently.

After that whole fiasco, we got back on the bus and started driving north to Oregon. We finally got back to Corvallis around 8am on Tuesday. I loved the conversations that we got to share on the bus and on the trip in general. I am overjoyed I got to go on this trip and experience all that God had for me. It was a powerful 4 days.

I’m excited to continue living my life in UNDIVIDED devotion to God. He has great plans for me. He has great plans for you. Let’s find out together what they are!

A lie to be covered by the snow

There is darkness on snow days. There is loneliness, pain, and shame. You wake up, excited, only to be filled with the aching feeling that you are alone. There is no one around you. Or even worse, there are people all around you, but yet you still feel alone. You feel isolated, forgotten, and unwanted.

There is a lie Satan likes us to believe.

YOU ARE ALONE

This is a huge lie. The biggest of all lies. Yes, it is SO easy to fall for, to believe. When we admit this lie to the community around us, we are welcomed with open, loving, and inviting arms. People that will walk though the dark roads together, as Christ has called us to. It doesn’t matter if it is messy, ugly, or unkept. There is beauty in the organic of walking life with others when it is messy. God blesses that. He honors that, and it delights Him. We are not alone. Not only because God is ALWAYS with us, but he has also given us a family of believers to walk along life with us.

Reach out to those you love. Come over even if they tell you not to. Community is worth the fight. Love is needed.

I want to live [2014]

Its 12 days into the year 2014. Up until now, I didn’t really have “resolutions” other than goals to take better care of myself, relationships, and work harder, etc.etc… Those “resolutions” are common, but didn’t really feel like my mantra for 2014.

Over this weekend, I went camping on the Oregon Coast with a bunch of friends. It was such a great time and I am so glad I went! I realized though, this was my first camping trip in a long long time. My reason? I was always too insecure, too afraid, too (fill in the blank).

In 2014, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t REALLY have anything to be afraid of. I want to live life fully. I want to passionately seek after my Creator and follow Him. I want to try new things without fear. I want to live.

And in 2014, I’m going to. I’m going to take adventures. I’m going to explore. I’m going to try new things. I’m going to passionately love and live in my relationships. I’m going to take care of myself and revel in good things. Here’s to living!

I never thought…

Three years ago this January I started school at Oregon State University. After several terms of failing, academic probation, and failed attempts to raise my GPA, in the summer of 2012, I was suspended from Oregon State for academic reasons.

This news crushed me. I was away at a camp in northern California for the summer when I got the news.

I was suspended from college.

The words replayed again and again in my head. I felt like a total and complete failure. I remember when I stated attending Oregon State I was worried I would fail. I was worried I wasn’t cut out for public college. For a “real” college. Those fears and thoughts all came out when I got suspended. That whole summer, if I was going to school in the fall and what I was doing loomed over me. I had to leave camp early and get my affairs in order. Due to circumstances out of my control, I was able to petition for reinstatement back to Oregon State, and my petition was granted.

In fall 2012, I fought hard to raise my grades and I have been doing so since. I never thought I would see “3.00” on my cumulative GPA ever. A few nights ago, I was checking out my degree progress. I am 91% completed with my degree and I have a cumulative GPA of 3.00. For the journey I have had and the roads I have had to walk and overcome, I am darn proud of myself! I FINALLY graduate from college this June. This is SUCH exciting news! I am overjoyed and proud of my accomplishments since choosing Oregon State University.

 

The Show

Have you ever looked closely at a dancers feet? They are absolutely disgusting. Skin is torn up, callouses have developed, and more often than not toes are pointing strange ways.

I am a dancer. My feet are pretty gross and I’m totally aware of it. After class, I like to soak in a hot bath cuz it feels real nice on my sore muscles.

Ya know what I love about it though? When you see a dancer dancing beautifully on stage, you don’t see their feet. You see beautiful lines, exquisite turns and jumps, and gravity defying allusions. It’s beautiful. All the hard work in classes of turning over and over, stretching, and dancing your guys out pays off.

In the end, there’s a beautiful show.

And that’s all the audience sees: the show, the art, the beauty.